Archive of ‘Mummies Funnies’ category
Salt and Pepper! Lets talk about sex baby!
If like me you wince at the front page spreads (no pun intended) in women’s magazines saying ten easy steps to spice up your sex life. Then read on! Thinking about it even if you pick them straight up think ‘oh yes I shall be reading that in depth!’ Read on!
For me pregnancy really isn’t a fun and enjoyable experience, don’t get me wrong I find it fascinating and incredible and I love feeling my baby wriggle around inside me. But I didn’t and currently am not experience the great bloom and feeling gorgeous stage that you hear many women talking about.
So when you’re not exactly feeling like Madonna in her Jean Paul Gautier cone boob corset days and a bit more like Barry White feeling sexy leaves you entirely!
So for me and my husband my pregnancies have not become a sex fuelled love affair that you read about some women experiencing in the baby magazines. In actual fact it has become damn right awkward.
With my first pregnancy my sickness started from conception I think! And then went on for so long that the surging hormones that give you a libido boost at the beginning of your pregnancy were drowned out by nausea. But with my second pregnancy the sickness didn’t grab me quite so quickly so I did get a libido boost. I though YES! It’s going to be different this time. Well that lasted about two weeks. My husband couldn’t believe his luck!
Then along came the dreaded sickness. But I was more fortunate this time round as at 12 weeks I given medication to reduce my nausea. They were great but a side effect was drowsiness! So again a snoring pregnant wife isn’t exactly a turn on is it! At about 20 weeks I was able to stop the medication. So I felt normal.
Wooohooo! I actually wanted to have sex and also was finding my husband somewhat of a stud muffin. One particular evening I initiated it and well my husbands face was such a picture that I then burst into hysterical giggles. He had a huge grin on his face and actually said the word “REALLY!” in such an amazed voice that that was it for me I practically wet myself there and then.
Now comes the problem that there is a rather large bump turning up between me and my husband and you find yourself saying stuff like ‘ooo don’t press on the baby!’ PASSION KILLER! Or ‘Oh my god I can’t breathe’ because your bump has moved into your rib cage. And your ever increasing hip size and ligament stretching can’t cope with the Karma Sutra. So once again our love life has fallen flat on its face.
Oh dear never mind. My husband has actually said he finds it a bit weird having the baby in between us so we have happily agreed that there is no pressure to have sex.
Come On Baby Light My Fire!
But we know too well from the first pregnancy that sex plays rather an important role in inducing labour.
At 42 weeks pregnant I had called the midwife because my very overdue baby had stopped moving. She came round to my flat and checked me over. She gave me another sweep to try and get things moving as I was booked for an induction the next day. She then turned to my husband looked him dead in the eye and said….’right, now you have got to have sex with her! Trust me you need to get some seamen on that cervix!’ My poor husband looked shell shocked. I could tell he was thinking are you joking. But she wasn’t!
I looked at Chris a said ‘I don’t want you to touch me! Go to work!’ so off he went it didn’t take much persuasion.
Then to my absolute horror he came back about two hours later! He leaned up against the door frame with one arm in the air John Travolta style and said ‘your hunk is here! Let’s get that baby out!’ I got up and with lots of under the breath moaning waddled to our bedroom. Well you don’t need an in-depth explanation of what happened next but it wasn’t fun it wasn’t nice it was bloody awful in fact. My husband actually said about a year later that it was one of the worst things he has ever had to do! A bit exaggerated I think, but I was the size of a mini bus!
Well what do you know our little boy ‘George’ was born that night!
So at 31 weeks I am currently preparing myself for the’ let’s get this baby out sex’ to commence! Oh joy!
I remember a couple of years ago one of my sisters telling me that someone she worked with knew immediately that she was pregnant. HOW? Well because she couldn’t stand the smell of her husband! Yes, each time she got pregnant there was no need for a pregnancy test; just the sheer stink of her husband confirmed her pregnancy to her. Now her husband didn’t actually smell at all, it was just her own sense of smell had became so heightened that she found him somewhat stinky.
I have found this myself; my husband too becomes incredibly stinky to me when I’m pregnant. He is ok as long has he has no deodorant or aftershave on! So basically he has decided it is better that one person suffers with his smell (me) than the rest of the population by not using the stated products. Even his hair wax turns me over.
In my first pregnancy I had to ban him from wearing one aftershave it smelt so sickly to me it actually made me vomit a couple of times. Still to this day he can’t wear it.
Mind you I am better this time round with aftershave smells, however prior to 22 weeks pregnant these smells were still a bit over bearing.
BUT…. I still have serious problem with the smell of garlic. If my husband has been eating garlic it seems to stick to him as though he has rolled in it. As well as suffering tears at my cousins wedding because of the dinner incident! (Read why am I crying?) I also found it very difficult to stand too close to my husband because he stank of garlic! I kept asking my sister if she thought he stank, but she said no. Maybe she was being nice! I think not though as the smell of my dad and also my 92 year old granddad sent me walking out of the middle of my cousin’s civil ceremony. I think she would have preferred this than saying her nuptials to the sounds of a heaving me!
I find it very difficult to sort out my 2 year old son if he has done a poo! The smell turns me right over and on occasion has had my running to the little girl’s room. We had one incident where I actually had to call my husband home from work (he only works round the corner to where we live, and for himself, so this isn’t as dramatic as it seems) George had decided not only to do a poo on the floor but also to roll over it a couple of times with his ride on fire engine for good measure. Chris (my husband) actually had to use a spade to remove the poo from the carpet and it took two days and using my mum’s carpet cleaning machine to get the stink out of the carpet. Where was I? With my head down the toilet!
If you are still in the early stages of your pregnancy, possibly before 7 weeks the crying attacks may not have reached you yet. But, get ready for them, they have no sense of embarrassment or appropriate timing, they come whenever they want a bit like your unwelcome and damn right rude aunty! Yes we have all got one, but for you at the moment it is going to be the ‘crying aunty’ that turns up whenever she likes.
As part of my job I teach my students all about a system in the body called the Endocrine System. It is the one that controls the release of hormones in our body. As we move through the week by week stages of pregnancy we release hormones to control the development of our baby and also our own body. Hormones are chemical messengers; I like to think of them as little postmen, delivering messages to different parts of your body. Although this is scientifically completely incorrect and not fact in any way! There seems to be a postman specifically employed as soon as conceive thats like to deliver messages to your tear ducts.
You will find yourself crying for no reason, and when your partner asks ‘what’s wrong?’ It will be the first time in your life that the response ‘nothing’ is actually true! I often tell my husband ‘I don’t know why I’m crying so just ignore me please’. But there will be other times when you are crying your eyes out because you feel out of control or just so absorbed with worry that your baby is ok, the only thing you can do is cry. In this case I advise going full pelt, because you will feel much better afterwards.
Below I will share with you some of the reasons I found myself crying during both pregnancies. Some are silly and some serious.
Crying in the car – for some reason I cry when I’m in the car more than anywhere else. In my first pregnancy this was mainly down to feeling very sick when travelling. But I remember crying when my husband and I were going to visit his grandparents in London. We drove past the site of the Olympics in it very first stages of build. This made me cry….. er yes, cry like a baby as I explained to my husband how wonderful I thought Britain was and look how magnificent we were building all this stuff. Strange? Well they get stranger!
Just the other week I cried when my husband went into a petrol garage and I saw they were selling flowers. ‘Oh how wonderful’ I thought, and then cried. Now any woman knows that getting flowers from a petrol garage is not exactly the most romantic gesture your partner could make, it just means they have forgotten it is mother’s day, your birthday or your anniversary and have only just remembered, and the only place open is the petrol garage. Although the flowers are better than a bucket, sponge and screen wash, which is something my father in law once bought my mother in law after forgetting her birthday!
Food- I have done a lot of crying over food usually because I want to eat it but I just can get it past my lips.
At my cousins recent wedding they served up our main course of beef roast with so much meat it looked as though a cow had bungee jumped straight onto my plate, with an unfortunate end. Sitting at the table, staring into this plate of enormous cow and Yorkshire puds my eyes started to well up. When my oldest sister asked me what was wrong I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Bursting into tears I sobbed the words ‘my….. dinner…… is….. too……. big’. At which point both my sister and my mum burst out laughing! Fortunately for me I saw the funny side this time and had a mixture of tears and giggles.
Feeling selfish- as I have suffered equally as badly this time round as I did in my first pregnancy with sickness I’ve spent lots of time crying because of how ill I felt. But this time round I felt a real sense of guilt. I would often think and still do ‘I just want this to be over’. But every time I felt this I would never say it out loud. I spent my fist pregnancy pretty oblivious to possibility of miscarriage; it wasn’t even something I thought might happen. But this time round, after two of my sisters experiencing miscarriages and there being lots of media attention to Amanda Holden and Kelly Brook losing their babies after the so called twelve week safe mark. I had a great sense of ‘don’t be so selfish’. I had a fear that if I told some else that I wanted this feeling to go away it was like saying I don’t want this baby. This really bothered me and put me into a total feeling of self pity. Again this situation ending in crying. As I sat on the toilet at my parent in laws house my husband came to check I was ok. I must have been gone a long time. The flood gates opened and I explained to him how I was feeling and the worry and self pity I was experiencing. He told me it was ok to say what I feel to him and not to worry, but he also told me in a nice way to ‘get a grip!’ When you are crying uncontrollably this is sometimes the best advice.
I’m very lucky my husband is very good with me when I cry but there will be some men and women who won’t know what to do with you. If you want to be left alone say so and if you need a cuddle say so too. Other people aren’t mind readers although when you’re pregnant you seem to think everybody has developed the mind reading skill.
Scans- there is something wonderful about seeing your baby on the screen, seeing its heart beating and it wriggling around like James Brown. This too will make you cry.
Adverts- never ever will you feel the power of a heart string tugging advert more so than when you are pregnant. Just don’t sign up to give too many charities your money after seeing a child crying or a starving mother or you will be bankrupt before your own baby turns up. Then you will need the help of the charity you have been giving all your money too! Choose one charity and choose it wisely, this will help to make you feel better and leave you with enough cash to buy all the extra stuff you are going to need.
It’s your fault- you will also find yourself crying because you believe someone else, usually your other half has done something deliberately to annoy you. Only the chances are they have done nothing wrong at all. It is best to warn your other half that these out bursts are going to happen although you cannot predict when, and tell them the best thing they can do is agree and say sorry. Even if they didn’t do it. Once you have calmed down or possibly a week later you can discuss who was a t fault and you will probably find it was you. Oh dear swallow your pride and apologies.
When my husband and I first decided to try for a baby I don’t think either of us expected it to happen so quickly. Actually my husband was rather upset I’d fallen so quickly! We were newly married and like teenagers bonking at every opportunity. Considering we had been together for six years prior to getting married this was not our normal ‘love life’! So when only six weeks after getting married we got the positive test result, he was rather disappointed that this new ‘love life’ was going to end!
So what goes through your mind/ If this positive result is one you have wanted and been waiting for then a feeling of joy over takes you. Very quickly followed by ‘oh my god’ I am going to be a parent. Strangely for me saying I’m going to have a baby was all lovely and light, but when I said ‘I’m going to have a child’ this meant a whole different thing. It meant that this baby was going to grow up and get bigger. Become a toddler, then a teenager, and then an adult! Then I was filled with fear. Am I going to be able to deal with a toddler constantly asking ‘why?’ Or a grumpy teenager and one you have to talk about ’safe sex’ to, arrgh then an adult someone who has their own mind, someone who may even decide they don’t like you very much. This frightened me.
Then I hit earth with a bump and though let’s just take this one step at a time.
With my second pregnancy just the dreaded fear of morning sickness overtook me. Because lets face it I’ve managed to keep a two year old alive and well so far!
True tales of my pregnancy including tears, fears and fun.
I have decided to write this blog after spending my time scouring the internet to find solace in others who are experiencing morning sickness. By this I don’t mean those that say ‘oh yes its terrible isn’t it I just spend my whole morning feeling… well, a bit travel sick!’ I mean those of us that get up and go to bed having spent the whole day heaving, retching and throwing up. Throwing up when you’re pretty sure your body is empty, so where could this stuff possibly be coming from? And making sounds that you didn’t know were humanly possible.
Sounds strange, but just the very thought that there are others suffering like me makes me feel better.
Welcome to Katy’s weird world and blunt blog of my pregnancy.
I have tried many of the remedies available some which haven’t worked at all and others that helped.
When I initially found out that I was pregnant my first thoughts where ‘oh no bring on the sickness’. This is my second pregnancy; my first pregnancy saw me though 16 weeks of sickness. During this pregnancy I was under the care of a midwife only, which I believe is called ‘midwife led care’. There was no GP involvement. But this time round I have been under the care of my GP as well as a midwife.
In my first pregnancy the only response I ever got from my mid wife was ‘you have just got to try and get on and eat as healthily as you can’. If this sounds familiar to you then get yourself down to your doctor. Because frankly when you feel so sick the smell of your own husband makes you want to run for the lavatory or whichever vessel* you reach first.
The thought of eating anything at all let alone healthily IS NOT USEFUL ADVICE! With this advice I continued to go to work (I’m a college lecturer) and be completely useless, often calling in sick and leaving others at work to pick up the pieces. I lived on arrow root biscuits (see list of remedies) and Lucozade. At four months pregnant I weighed one and a half stone less that I did at the beginning of my pregnancy. Don’t let this happen to you!
*This in my case was often my two year old sons ‘In the Night Garden’ potty, he wasn’t very impressed. Also when you’re two year old says ‘mummy sick’ and goes and tells his daddy ‘mummy sick daddy’ you know you have been sick a lot!
Having spent this pregnancy with less midwife care I have had no choice but to go to my GP for advice. He instantly signed me off work saying ‘ if you are being sick and are exhausted how could you possibly work?’ This happened when I was 7 weeks pregnant. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, still signed off and after suffering a weekend of very violent vomiting my GP has put me on an anti sickness drug called Avomine. I will talk about this in my list of remedies.
My list of Remedies
Pregie Pop Drops and Queasy Drops- initially these sweets worked wonders. They gave me a quick sugar hit and the sharp flavours stopped the gross ‘something just died in my mouth’ feeling. However after just a few days of eating them the very sharpness that was great earlier, now made the feeling of immanent vomiting worse. They are also quite large sized sweets and just puting them in my mouth made me gag.
I would recommend that anybody with morning sickness tries them as they did help for a short time and they might just work for longer for you.
Aromatherapy- I also discovered these little wands filled with aromatherapy oils (obviously ones that are safe in pregnancy). They contain peppermint and ginger which are well known for helping nausea . The idea is that you rub the oils onto your wrists and take a deep inhale when feeling sick. Unfortunately one wiff of this made me heave, so that was a no go.
Travel Sickness Bands- these are cotton bands worn around your wrists. They have a plastic nobble in them which you place over a pressure point on your wrist. They help to reduce the feeling of nausea. Both a good friend of mine and my sister swore by them. Saying they didn’t get rid of the sick feeling entirely but they definitely reduced it. But you guessed it they didn’t work for me.
Ginger- from about 7 to 11 weeks I couldn’t go near a ginger nut biscuit or anything ginger. But after this time I did find a Ginger Nut biscuit with a hot sweet drink in the morning helped that early morning sick feeling.
Arrowroot Biscuits- if ginger is too strong for you try these biscuits instead. They pretty much taste like Rich Teas, but arrowroot also has anti nausea properties just like ginger.
Hypnotherapy- my sister purchased a hypnotherapy CD for me to listen to. As much as this sounds all hocus pocus and witch craft, be open minded. I found that listening to the CD gave me 20 minutes of time to relax properly. I also found that after listening to it that I felt hungry rather than sick. So seizing the opportunity I would have something to eat.
Eating- as I have already said, I know that the very thought of food when you are feeling so awful is just not appealing. But if you can muster the power to eat anything, then do. It really does help. At the end of the day what’s the worst that’s going to happen. You’re gonna be sick. Well what’s new?
Sleeping- in the wild and busy lifestyles we have today getting extra sleep is almost impossible, especially when you have another child to look after. But if you are fortunate enough to be able to take time in the day for a nap or just a moment of doing nothing and staying still. Do it. If you are at work and are usually someone that sits at your desk with a sandwich and a coffee, don’t do it. Just bugger off somewhere and sit quietly, don’t talk to anyone, or even smile (you can if you want to), just rest. If your toddler has a mid day sleep go to bed with them. I often made the mistake of trying to go to sleep on the sofa. I found this impossible, you need to be comfortable and the best place for this is bed.
Family and close friends can be a god send, if they offer to help, even if you don’t think it’s a genuine offer, take them up on it! I couldn’t have survived this pregnancy without the help of my mum and my husband.
Luckily my husband is very helpful and doesn’t expect to come home to a tidy house with dinner ready when he gets in from work. If your husband thinks this is going to happen then you need to give him a reality check. Be selfish and tell him your job is to look after someone else at the moment. Namely yourself, because no matter how much you suffer, your baby wont. They take everything they need from you and actually it’s you that’s suffers.
Anti sickness tablets- at 14 weeks pregnant I took myself back to the doctors after suffering a weekend of violent vomiting keeping nothing I ate or drank down. This was very upsetting for me as I had spent the week previous without feeling too sick and had no vomiting. The doctor prescribed me a drug called Avomine, it is an anti-histamine used to combat travel sickness and vertigo. It is also the first line in medical intervention for expectant mums suffering with morning sickness.
I had all the worries you would expect ‘should I be taking this while pregnant? Is it going to hurt the baby? ‘ But I’m confident that my doctor wouldn’t prescribe anything harmful. After some internet research, looking at forums and so on, I found that there were many women that had been prescribed Avomine to help with their sickness.
This is only my first day of taking Avomine, I have been advised to take one every night. This is mainly because the tablets cause drowsiness, so taking them at night reduces the effect as you’re going to sleep any way. So I took it last night and today I haven’t felt sick at all, I’m very tired but not sick. WONDERFUL! Let’s hope it stays that way.
What I would like to know is… why wasn’t I given this in my last pregnancy!